If you've read my other blogs, then you'd know that my mom is currently in Mexico living life how she wants to. She doesn't have a phone, but every once in awhile, she'll have internet and we talk over Facebook or Skype.
A few weeks ago, she sent me a little IM on the Facebook chat. She asked me pretty generic things like, "How are you?" "Did you have a good day?" "No work?"
We had our little small talk, then she asked me, "Are you happy?"
Honestly, I was a little dumbfounded by her question. It totally caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I lied. I said I was. I mean, I guess I was at the current moment especially since I was finally able to hear from her.
I wasn't happy, though. She may or may not have known that I wasn't really happy.
If she were to ask me right now, I'd still be lying if I said yes. Maybe I'll be more prepared when she asks me next. Maybe I'll be able to tell her that I'm not and that I really wish she'd come home. It'd definitely be great to have her around right now.
As I said in a previous blog, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for depression. It's definitely helped and I thought things were better than they really are. I thought I was actually happy for awhile. I'm sure I was at the time, but I've had more time to think about stuff lately.
I hadn't had much time to think to my self for awhile. School and work were really stressing me out. I'd be around people pretty much all day, some of it voluntarily, and I'd never really be able to reflect on my days or weeks even.
I've finally had more time for me and I asked myself, "Are you happy?"
After thinking about it, I realized that I'm not.
I was talking with a friend once and I told him that something in my life just didn't feel right. He asked me if it was because something was missing or if it was something else. I wasn't quite sure. I told him it was a little bit of both. It was like something was missing, but it also felt like there was just something about my life that I didn't feel was right. It makes sense to me. I don't really know how to put it into words.
If you asked, I couldn't tell you what is missing. I haven't the smallest idea what it is.
I'm just unhappy. I think I'm unhappy with where my life is right now. In a way, I feel like it isn't really going anywhere. I know I'm still in school and I still have a lot of time to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing, but I feel like I should already have some sense of what I want for my future.
I guess I'm just stressing myself out over this. I just feel like so many people bring it up. I hate talking about school because people always ask me what I plan to take on for a major or what career I want to have. Every time someone brings it up, my mood changes almost immediately.
That's not just it though. I'm sure a lot of people feel the way I do about school and life, so I know I'm not alone in that.
There isn't anything in the world that could make me as happy as I am when I sing. At least, there didn't used to be. I sing all the time because it's something that I love to do. I always feel better when I sing, and I mean really sing. Not just sing in the shower or in the car, but really put my emotions into whatever it is that I'm singing. However, that hasn't really been the case lately. I don't feel the same after I sing. I don't feel any sense of relief anymore.
I feel that I may have numbed myself so I wouldn't feel unhappy. I made myself think I was, so I would act as though I was. I just became really good at pretending to be happy.
Until tonight, I hadn't really cried in at least two months. I started crying today and almost couldn't get myself to stop. Sometimes it just feels really good to cry. Sometimes, it's all someone really needs. It's not all I needed. It wasn't a good cry anyway. Just a lot of tears, I guess.
I feel like I'm weak because I feel this way. I feel like I should be stronger and be able to handle what's going on. I feel like this entire blog is just a load of shit and that there are other things that make me unhappy, I just don't feel like sharing them. I guess it isn't a load of shit because those are things that are bringing me down.
There's just so much more to it. So much more that I can't really even begin to explain. I don't have the words for it and for those that I do have words for, I'm afraid to share and somewhat ashamed to share, I guess you could say.
So Mom, if you read this and you're wondering if I'm happy, now you know.
