I Am a Human Being

I am not an inanimate object,
so don’t treat me like one.
I cannot be broken in to a million pieces,
but I can feel like I have been.
I experience feelings;
sadness, anger, excitement, happiness.
I’m not here for your amusement
or pleasure.
I can be lost
and never found,
if you let that happen,
but I cannot be replaced,
so don’t try.
I know how it feels to be hurt
and I know how it feels to be loved.
Don’t take either of those away from me
by treating me like I don’t have feelings.
They make me who I am.
I would think that you’d understand where I’m coming from, considering.
Do not act like you can place me on a shelf
and forget about me
while I collect dust.
I won’t be there for you to dust me off
and use again.
I deserve better.
I know how to cry;

how to smile.

Laughter comes naturally.I’m not some robot,
just going about my business,
unable to learn;
unable to feel.
I am a human being,
so treat me like one.

To Whom it May Concern

My thoughts
are jumbled and
I can't figure out what
exactly I feel and
what I need to say.
I have never been more
confused.

It shouldn't have happened.
I don't know what I was thinking.
There are no regrets,
but maybe there are.
Everything happens for a reason,
but maybe it was simply a mistake.

I'm afraid of what's to come now.
I feel that hurt is close.
I can't
sort out
what I feel.

Sadness
Happiness
Loneliness

My thoughts
They're
Mixed up and
Messed up
They have no
End

From a Sister to Her Brother

Dear Brother,

I am so proud of you.

I know you're disappointed, but please do not feel ashamed. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. This is just a little hiccup in your journey to success.

Your plans for the future may have been set back a little, but your dreams are still going to come to you. I know it. I have complete faith in everything you are doing and have done.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. It's just a little bump in the road. This won't keep you from achieving your goals and living out your dreams; it's only going to take a little bit longer than you planned, but that's alright.

I understand that you're disappointed, but she's right when she says that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone, not just you. Sometimes the mistakes you make lead you to something better, something more than what you wanted and more than what you had even thought of. Maybe this mistake will help you to find out something great about yourself, or lead you somewhere greater than you have ever imagined.

Mistakes build you to a better person. You know to never make that mistake again, and I know you won't, because I have faith in you.

I love you, Brother, and I support you every step of the way to your future. I am here for you to fall back on if you need it. I may not always have the right thing to say, but I'll always have the right ear to listen.

I love you.

Love Always,
Your sister

"Are You Happy?"

If you've read my other blogs, then you'd know that my mom is currently in Mexico living life how she wants to. She doesn't have a phone, but every once in awhile, she'll have internet and we talk over Facebook or Skype.
        
A few weeks ago, she sent me a little IM on the Facebook chat. She asked me pretty generic things like, "How are you?" "Did you have a good day?" "No work?"
        
We had our little small talk, then she asked me, "Are you happy?"
    
        
Honestly, I was a little dumbfounded by her question. It totally caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say. I lied. I said I was. I mean, I guess I was at the current moment especially since I was finally able to hear from her.
      
I wasn't happy, though. She may or may not have known that I wasn't really happy.

If she were to ask me right now, I'd still be lying if I said yes. Maybe I'll be more prepared when she asks me next. Maybe I'll be able to tell her that I'm not and that I really wish she'd come home. It'd definitely be great to have her around right now.

As I said in a previous blog, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for depression. It's definitely helped and I thought things were better than they really are. I thought I was actually happy for awhile. I'm sure I was at the time, but I've had more time to think about stuff lately.

I hadn't had much time to think to my self for awhile. School and work were really stressing me out. I'd be around people pretty much all day, some of it voluntarily, and I'd never really be able to reflect on my days or weeks even.

I've finally had more time for me and I asked myself, "Are you happy?"

After thinking about it, I realized that I'm not.

I was talking with a friend once and I told him that something in my life just didn't feel right. He asked me if it was because something was missing or if it was something else. I wasn't quite sure. I told him it was a little bit of both. It was like something was missing, but it also felt like there was just something about my life that I didn't feel was right. It makes sense to me. I don't really know how to put it into words.

If you asked, I couldn't tell you what is missing. I haven't the smallest idea what it is.

I'm just unhappy. I think I'm unhappy with where my life is right now. In a way, I feel like it isn't really going anywhere. I know I'm still in school and I still have a lot of time to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing, but I feel like I should already have some sense of what I want for my future.

I guess I'm just stressing myself out over this. I just feel like so many people bring it up. I hate talking about school because people always ask me what I plan to take on for a major or what career I want to have. Every time someone brings it up, my mood changes almost immediately.

That's not just it though. I'm sure a lot of people feel the way I do about school and life, so I know I'm not alone in that.

There isn't anything in the world that could make me as happy as I am when I sing. At least, there didn't used to be. I sing all the time because it's something that I love to do. I always feel better when I sing, and I mean really sing. Not just sing in the shower or in the car, but really put my emotions into whatever it is that I'm singing. However, that hasn't really been the case lately. I don't feel the same after I sing. I don't feel any sense of relief anymore.

I feel that I may have numbed myself so I wouldn't feel unhappy. I made myself think I was, so I would act as though I was. I just became really good at pretending to be happy.

Until tonight, I hadn't really cried in at least two months. I started crying today and almost couldn't get myself to stop. Sometimes it just feels really good to cry. Sometimes, it's all someone really needs. It's not all I needed. It wasn't a good cry anyway. Just a lot of tears, I guess.

I feel like I'm weak because I feel this way. I feel like I should be stronger and be able to handle what's going on. I feel like this entire blog is just a load of shit and that there are other things that make me unhappy, I just don't feel like sharing them. I guess it isn't a load of shit because those are things that are bringing me down.

There's just so much more to it. So much more that I can't really even begin to explain. I don't have the words for it and for those that I do have words for, I'm afraid to share and somewhat ashamed to share, I guess you could say.

So Mom, if you read this and you're wondering if I'm happy, now you know.

Margie the Monster

So, I have this aunt. Her name is Margie. We happen to share a house and I hate it. I don't hate her, I just hate living with her. She is so annoying and she's pretty rude.

I used to get along with my aunt, but high school came around and she basically became the enemy.

Anyway, my aunt doesn't have much of a social life. She has two sources of socialization, going to work and the occasional Red Hat Ladies dinner. (Those come around every couple months so she basically doesn't go out much.) Luckily for myself and the rest in the house, she mainly stays in her room.

When she is actually walking through the house, most try to avoid her. I know that I'm saying seems pretty mean, but trust me, she's not very pleasant to be around. When you come in contact with her, the one sided conversation will contain one of three things, or all if you're having a bad day already. She will either complain about something that may or may not actually have to do with you, tell you to put things away, (They don't even have to belong to you. You'll sit there and wonder where they go, then never actually put it away.) or tell you a story that she's already told you about 50 different times.

When we're eating dinner, she sits there and complains about basically everything she can think of. It's annoying. She'll complain about little things we do or say. She acts like she is better than all of us in the house. That's pretty much what it is.

Sure, she's older and she's my aunt, so she expects me to respect her. I show respect to those who deserve it.

We recently got a puppy. My aunt comes home, goes into her room and puts her stuff down. She comes out about 5 minutes later, "Puddle alert!" Meaning the puppy peed. OK. Since when do you not know how to clean up after a dog.

When it comes to cleaning up after the dog, this is how it works... You see pee, you clean it up. That's how it is with everyone. I see it, I clean it up. Ashlee sees it, she cleans it up. Same goes for my dad, brother, and sister. Apparently, my aunt is too good to clean up after a puppy. It's not like he leaves big puddles. He's not very big. Shut the fuck up about there being a puddle and fucking clean it up, stupid. C'mon.

We take him outside, we feed him. I've watched him for the past 2 days. He has chewed up my hands and feet, tried chewing up my laptop battery, and peed on my sweatshirt sleeve. He is a huge handful, but I still take care of him and watch him. She can't take three minutes to clean up a little pee?!

This isn't what makes me so angry with her, it was just that little push that sent me over. Luckily for her, I've learned to handle myself and not completely snap in her face.

She also thinks that every article of clothing that is most likely female, is mine. I get random jackets, shirts, and shoes in my room all the time.
If my purse or sweatshirt are in the living room, even for five minutes because I'm about to leave, she'll tell me that it doesn't belong there and needs to go in my room. If I don't put things out before I leave, I will forget them.

If I or my dad are in the living room watching T.V. and she's cleaning, she doesn't let us know that she'll be in there so that we can maybe move somewhere else. She just goes ahead and vacuums or gets in the way. If we're watching a movie and we're trying to hear she just goes ahead as if we aren't there. She's rude. If we went into her room and did that, she'd get all pissy. She's just really disrespectful of anything that isn't hers. It's really frustrating. She makes it hard for anyone to get along with her.

Fragility

Let me start by saying that I am not looking for anyone to say nice things to me. That is not my intention at all.

I am insecure. I'm insecure in several different ways. I'm also really sensitive, which is really inconvenient sometimes.

I've struggled with "image" and how I've felt about myself since middle school. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm fat, but I'm still not comfortable with my body. I've been trying to work on my insecurities when it comes to my appearance, but it's taking time. I know that I'll be comfortable with myself soon enough.

About me being sensitive, that's a whole different story. I haven't always been as sensitive as I am. I honestly don't know what happened.

The smallest things make me cry. I over-analyze the simplest of actions. It's ridiculous. I mean, I'm not just ready to cry at any moment, but I have days where the smallest comment or action just gets to me. Then I think about it days. That's my problem. I think way too much about things that probably don't mean anything at all.

I try to keep myself from thinking, but sometimes I just can't keep some thoughts out of my head. (I feel like I'm crazy or something. Ha!)

I was thinking of doing this blog earlier and I had so much more to say, but now that I'm actually doing this, I don't remember any of my previous thoughts. =[

Smashlee

I used to really dislike Ashlee. I used to think she was a little shady and off, but now that she lives with us, I know what she's really like.

She has this "front." She tries to act like she's "hard" and really tough, but honestly, she really isn't. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mess with her if I just saw her walking down the street because she is a little intimidating and I know she could knock a bitch out.

About a year and a half ago, Ashlee moved in with us. I wasn't too keen to the idea at first because I didn't really like her. Now, she's definitely a big part of my life and I'm glad she came here. After awhile, I realized that she's actually smart, but not in the book smart way. She's street smart. Believe it or not, I have learned from her.

Some of the things she says are just... ridiculous sometimes, such as, "I ain't no toot it 'n' boot it, so nigga, get on yo' knees and boss up." She actually told me to say that to someone, but me being me, I didn't.
Her newest one, "If you wanna stick it, you gotta lick it." She really cracks me up sometimes.

However, she can be really irritating, too. Sometimes, she's just in a "I'm going to be rude to everyone for no reason" mood. I'll hear her come into the house call her name so I can talk to her, and she'll just snap, "What?!" After that, I won't want to talk to her because if she's going to be a bitch for no reason, I don't want to communicate with her. Usually she's mad because of something George did/didn't do or say so she just takes out her frustration on anyone who gets in her way.

I can't blame her, though, because I do that too.

As I said in a previous blog, I went through a rough patch not too long ago. I was fortunate enough to have Ashlee around. She didn't really give me advice or anything, but she was there. That was what I needed; for someone to be there. One day I remember specifically, I was crying and decided to go into her room because I knew she'd be there. I walked in and cried. She didn't say anything really. She rubbed my back and asked what was wrong. After that, I really don't remember anything other than me just crying and crying. I didn't need her to say anything; I wasn't expecting her to say anything. I just wanted someone around.

Things would be really boring around here if Ashlee wasn't around. She definitely makes my day sometimes. She's actually really interesting. Sure, her grammar isn't the best, and she asks me how to spell thing all the time, but she is one of the most entertaining people I know.

Birthday Wishes to You, Mom.

Today is my mom's birthday.

I realized this about 2 days ago. I also realized that I miss her so much.

I can't wait for her to come home. I need her around. I need to see her beautiful face and hear her wonderfully uplifting voice. I just miss her comfort.

I can't wait for her to get home. About six more months. Surprisingly, the first six months has gone by pretty fast, but it isn't fast enough.

I'm happy she was able to go off on such a wonderful adventure. I know she's having a good time, or I at least hope she is. She hasn't really complained, so I'm sure things are going well. She's very lucky to be able to do what she's doing. I'd love to be able to just pick up and go away for a year. That will have to wait though.

Anyway, if you read this, Mom. I love you and I miss you. Happy birthday. Catch a HUGE fish today!

I love you.

I'm Learning

I'm such a girl sometimes. Haha! I'm too sensitive, but I'm working on that and I've actually gotten better about dealing with stuff.
There are certain factors that have really helped me so much, and for that I am so grateful.

Anyway, my biggest project for the past couple months has been working on my vulnerability. I mean, I've been trying not to let my guard down too much or too soon.
I realized from past relationships that I give too much of myself too soon. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. I know now that I can't keep doing that because I end up hurting way more than I should.

I went through a really tough time in my life. I felt like no one was around to help me with it. The only person I felt was willing to help, was my brother, but I tried to push him away for the longest time. I finally just broke down and told him everything that was going on in my head.

It just wasn't a good time for me. I needed as many people around as I could, yet I felt like no one was there. I understand though that people were busy with school, work, plays, etc, but I still felt that no one was at all willing to even talk to me about what was going on. I felt like they didn't even realize how much pain I was really in because they wouldn't really let me open up.

I can't completely blame them because I tried not to show how much it hurt. If we were together, we were supposed to have fun and I didn't want to ruin that.

Not having my mom around didn't really help me that much either. Her timing to leave for Mexico was really inconvenient, for me anyway, but I can't blame her for wanting to travel when she actually has the chance.

I hated feeling like I didn't matter. Even home didn't feel like home. I hated being home because I wasn't distracted enough. I felt bad because I was always angry when I was home and I took out on anyone that was around, even my dad. I was always talking back to him and I'd always feel bad for doing so right after I did. I was just unhappy and I guess I wanted everyone else around me to be unhappy too.

Oddly enough, I was only happy while I was at work. It wasn't that work made me happy, it was the fact that I was around people, and was distracted. I had to focus on doing my job instead of focusing on what I was going through.

I was finally fed and decided to get help. I finally decided that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I finally decided to see a psychiatrist and it was probably one of the best ideas I've had... ever.

My first appointment with him was really difficult. I cried the entire time. I had no trouble opening up to him, which was weird, but it is his job to listen to people babble about their problems. Still, I was talking to him as though I had known him before this appointment. It was weird, but I needed someone to listen to me; to listen to what I was feeling and he did. He didn't give me any advice or any of his thoughts at first. He asked questions to further understand me.

He diagnosed me with depression.

I suppose I already knew that, though. He recommended anti-depressants, but I didn't want to have to do that. I didn't want to rely on any kind of substance to make myself feel better. He gave me other ways to help myself and they worked. I started feeling better, but even after a few weeks, I still felt a little like I was being left in the dark when it came to my friends. Things with friends did get a little better but I still felt that I needed to surround myself with people.

I felt that I needed more positive people in my life.

Anyway, I started feeling better and ended up meeting someone awesome. Well, I thought he was awesome, but things didn't work out. I let myself get too close though, so when things didn't work out, it more than it should have. I let my guard down before I really should have.

Since then, I decided that I'm not going to let that happen again. I'm not going to let just anyone into my head again. I'm too afraid to let my guard down now, but it's still hard for me to keep myself from getting close. I'm still trying really hard to keep my wall up and people out. Not everyone, of course, but some.

I'm just trying to change myself for the better. I'm not going to be the kind of person that doesn't open up to anyone, but I don't want to be the kind of person that opens up to just anyone. I suppose that writing this blog made me a little vulnerable to whoever reads this, but I know it will only be a few that do. Besides, I believe that I'm pretty close to getting past this depression. Things have definitely gotten better over the past two or three months.

I know that things are getting better, especially if I don't give myself so easily.

Things are better.

Frustrated

This whole situation is really frustrating me. I don't really know what I'm supposed to think about you and your thoughts because I haven't heard your side of the story. I keep hearing things from other people and it's making my feelings towards you just a little bitter.
I feel like there's something else going on with you that you're just not sharing.

What the fuck?!

Is there something else going on? If so, it's better you just tell him. It might make things a little easier; for both of you.
I'm not trying to attack you, but you're not talking to me so I don't know what's really going on in your head.
You tell me you don't want me to hate you or be mad at you, but then you practically disappear for two and a half weeks.
I don't want to take sides and I'm trying to be understanding of the situation, but I feel like you're cutting me out just as much as you're cutting him out.

Talk to me!

What's for dinner?

I've decided to finally start a blog. I've wanted one for a while, but just never got around to it.

My current problem? My dad is making a dinner that I find to be a little disgusting.

Unfortunately, there is nothing really that yummy in my house for me to eat. Well, there is, but I don't feel like cooking, and most of what we have is for at least 3 people considering there are 4 people living here. Technically 6, but my sister isn't usually home, and my brother is here on weekends.

Anyway, I have no idea what I'm going to do about dinner. I'm not even that hungry to be honest. I'm considering having a bowl of cereal a little later, or maybe some oatmeal.

Speaking of oatmeal, I've been eating it a lot lately. I don't really know why. Maybe because it's DELICIOUS!

It's also easy to make, so it's pretty convenient before work or whatever it is I'm doing.

Back to my dinner situation. My dad is making some weird beef thing, but I'm not feeling beef. Especially the beef he's making.

I want waffles, or pancakes. I guess I'm just feeling breakfast foods right now. I suppose I'll figure something out.