Smashlee

I used to really dislike Ashlee. I used to think she was a little shady and off, but now that she lives with us, I know what she's really like.

She has this "front." She tries to act like she's "hard" and really tough, but honestly, she really isn't. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mess with her if I just saw her walking down the street because she is a little intimidating and I know she could knock a bitch out.

About a year and a half ago, Ashlee moved in with us. I wasn't too keen to the idea at first because I didn't really like her. Now, she's definitely a big part of my life and I'm glad she came here. After awhile, I realized that she's actually smart, but not in the book smart way. She's street smart. Believe it or not, I have learned from her.

Some of the things she says are just... ridiculous sometimes, such as, "I ain't no toot it 'n' boot it, so nigga, get on yo' knees and boss up." She actually told me to say that to someone, but me being me, I didn't.
Her newest one, "If you wanna stick it, you gotta lick it." She really cracks me up sometimes.

However, she can be really irritating, too. Sometimes, she's just in a "I'm going to be rude to everyone for no reason" mood. I'll hear her come into the house call her name so I can talk to her, and she'll just snap, "What?!" After that, I won't want to talk to her because if she's going to be a bitch for no reason, I don't want to communicate with her. Usually she's mad because of something George did/didn't do or say so she just takes out her frustration on anyone who gets in her way.

I can't blame her, though, because I do that too.

As I said in a previous blog, I went through a rough patch not too long ago. I was fortunate enough to have Ashlee around. She didn't really give me advice or anything, but she was there. That was what I needed; for someone to be there. One day I remember specifically, I was crying and decided to go into her room because I knew she'd be there. I walked in and cried. She didn't say anything really. She rubbed my back and asked what was wrong. After that, I really don't remember anything other than me just crying and crying. I didn't need her to say anything; I wasn't expecting her to say anything. I just wanted someone around.

Things would be really boring around here if Ashlee wasn't around. She definitely makes my day sometimes. She's actually really interesting. Sure, her grammar isn't the best, and she asks me how to spell thing all the time, but she is one of the most entertaining people I know.

Birthday Wishes to You, Mom.

Today is my mom's birthday.

I realized this about 2 days ago. I also realized that I miss her so much.

I can't wait for her to come home. I need her around. I need to see her beautiful face and hear her wonderfully uplifting voice. I just miss her comfort.

I can't wait for her to get home. About six more months. Surprisingly, the first six months has gone by pretty fast, but it isn't fast enough.

I'm happy she was able to go off on such a wonderful adventure. I know she's having a good time, or I at least hope she is. She hasn't really complained, so I'm sure things are going well. She's very lucky to be able to do what she's doing. I'd love to be able to just pick up and go away for a year. That will have to wait though.

Anyway, if you read this, Mom. I love you and I miss you. Happy birthday. Catch a HUGE fish today!

I love you.

I'm Learning

I'm such a girl sometimes. Haha! I'm too sensitive, but I'm working on that and I've actually gotten better about dealing with stuff.
There are certain factors that have really helped me so much, and for that I am so grateful.

Anyway, my biggest project for the past couple months has been working on my vulnerability. I mean, I've been trying not to let my guard down too much or too soon.
I realized from past relationships that I give too much of myself too soon. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. I know now that I can't keep doing that because I end up hurting way more than I should.

I went through a really tough time in my life. I felt like no one was around to help me with it. The only person I felt was willing to help, was my brother, but I tried to push him away for the longest time. I finally just broke down and told him everything that was going on in my head.

It just wasn't a good time for me. I needed as many people around as I could, yet I felt like no one was there. I understand though that people were busy with school, work, plays, etc, but I still felt that no one was at all willing to even talk to me about what was going on. I felt like they didn't even realize how much pain I was really in because they wouldn't really let me open up.

I can't completely blame them because I tried not to show how much it hurt. If we were together, we were supposed to have fun and I didn't want to ruin that.

Not having my mom around didn't really help me that much either. Her timing to leave for Mexico was really inconvenient, for me anyway, but I can't blame her for wanting to travel when she actually has the chance.

I hated feeling like I didn't matter. Even home didn't feel like home. I hated being home because I wasn't distracted enough. I felt bad because I was always angry when I was home and I took out on anyone that was around, even my dad. I was always talking back to him and I'd always feel bad for doing so right after I did. I was just unhappy and I guess I wanted everyone else around me to be unhappy too.

Oddly enough, I was only happy while I was at work. It wasn't that work made me happy, it was the fact that I was around people, and was distracted. I had to focus on doing my job instead of focusing on what I was going through.

I was finally fed and decided to get help. I finally decided that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I finally decided to see a psychiatrist and it was probably one of the best ideas I've had... ever.

My first appointment with him was really difficult. I cried the entire time. I had no trouble opening up to him, which was weird, but it is his job to listen to people babble about their problems. Still, I was talking to him as though I had known him before this appointment. It was weird, but I needed someone to listen to me; to listen to what I was feeling and he did. He didn't give me any advice or any of his thoughts at first. He asked questions to further understand me.

He diagnosed me with depression.

I suppose I already knew that, though. He recommended anti-depressants, but I didn't want to have to do that. I didn't want to rely on any kind of substance to make myself feel better. He gave me other ways to help myself and they worked. I started feeling better, but even after a few weeks, I still felt a little like I was being left in the dark when it came to my friends. Things with friends did get a little better but I still felt that I needed to surround myself with people.

I felt that I needed more positive people in my life.

Anyway, I started feeling better and ended up meeting someone awesome. Well, I thought he was awesome, but things didn't work out. I let myself get too close though, so when things didn't work out, it more than it should have. I let my guard down before I really should have.

Since then, I decided that I'm not going to let that happen again. I'm not going to let just anyone into my head again. I'm too afraid to let my guard down now, but it's still hard for me to keep myself from getting close. I'm still trying really hard to keep my wall up and people out. Not everyone, of course, but some.

I'm just trying to change myself for the better. I'm not going to be the kind of person that doesn't open up to anyone, but I don't want to be the kind of person that opens up to just anyone. I suppose that writing this blog made me a little vulnerable to whoever reads this, but I know it will only be a few that do. Besides, I believe that I'm pretty close to getting past this depression. Things have definitely gotten better over the past two or three months.

I know that things are getting better, especially if I don't give myself so easily.

Things are better.

Frustrated

This whole situation is really frustrating me. I don't really know what I'm supposed to think about you and your thoughts because I haven't heard your side of the story. I keep hearing things from other people and it's making my feelings towards you just a little bitter.
I feel like there's something else going on with you that you're just not sharing.

What the fuck?!

Is there something else going on? If so, it's better you just tell him. It might make things a little easier; for both of you.
I'm not trying to attack you, but you're not talking to me so I don't know what's really going on in your head.
You tell me you don't want me to hate you or be mad at you, but then you practically disappear for two and a half weeks.
I don't want to take sides and I'm trying to be understanding of the situation, but I feel like you're cutting me out just as much as you're cutting him out.

Talk to me!

What's for dinner?

I've decided to finally start a blog. I've wanted one for a while, but just never got around to it.

My current problem? My dad is making a dinner that I find to be a little disgusting.

Unfortunately, there is nothing really that yummy in my house for me to eat. Well, there is, but I don't feel like cooking, and most of what we have is for at least 3 people considering there are 4 people living here. Technically 6, but my sister isn't usually home, and my brother is here on weekends.

Anyway, I have no idea what I'm going to do about dinner. I'm not even that hungry to be honest. I'm considering having a bowl of cereal a little later, or maybe some oatmeal.

Speaking of oatmeal, I've been eating it a lot lately. I don't really know why. Maybe because it's DELICIOUS!

It's also easy to make, so it's pretty convenient before work or whatever it is I'm doing.

Back to my dinner situation. My dad is making some weird beef thing, but I'm not feeling beef. Especially the beef he's making.

I want waffles, or pancakes. I guess I'm just feeling breakfast foods right now. I suppose I'll figure something out.