I'm Learning

I'm such a girl sometimes. Haha! I'm too sensitive, but I'm working on that and I've actually gotten better about dealing with stuff.
There are certain factors that have really helped me so much, and for that I am so grateful.

Anyway, my biggest project for the past couple months has been working on my vulnerability. I mean, I've been trying not to let my guard down too much or too soon.
I realized from past relationships that I give too much of myself too soon. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally. I know now that I can't keep doing that because I end up hurting way more than I should.

I went through a really tough time in my life. I felt like no one was around to help me with it. The only person I felt was willing to help, was my brother, but I tried to push him away for the longest time. I finally just broke down and told him everything that was going on in my head.

It just wasn't a good time for me. I needed as many people around as I could, yet I felt like no one was there. I understand though that people were busy with school, work, plays, etc, but I still felt that no one was at all willing to even talk to me about what was going on. I felt like they didn't even realize how much pain I was really in because they wouldn't really let me open up.

I can't completely blame them because I tried not to show how much it hurt. If we were together, we were supposed to have fun and I didn't want to ruin that.

Not having my mom around didn't really help me that much either. Her timing to leave for Mexico was really inconvenient, for me anyway, but I can't blame her for wanting to travel when she actually has the chance.

I hated feeling like I didn't matter. Even home didn't feel like home. I hated being home because I wasn't distracted enough. I felt bad because I was always angry when I was home and I took out on anyone that was around, even my dad. I was always talking back to him and I'd always feel bad for doing so right after I did. I was just unhappy and I guess I wanted everyone else around me to be unhappy too.

Oddly enough, I was only happy while I was at work. It wasn't that work made me happy, it was the fact that I was around people, and was distracted. I had to focus on doing my job instead of focusing on what I was going through.

I was finally fed and decided to get help. I finally decided that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I finally decided to see a psychiatrist and it was probably one of the best ideas I've had... ever.

My first appointment with him was really difficult. I cried the entire time. I had no trouble opening up to him, which was weird, but it is his job to listen to people babble about their problems. Still, I was talking to him as though I had known him before this appointment. It was weird, but I needed someone to listen to me; to listen to what I was feeling and he did. He didn't give me any advice or any of his thoughts at first. He asked questions to further understand me.

He diagnosed me with depression.

I suppose I already knew that, though. He recommended anti-depressants, but I didn't want to have to do that. I didn't want to rely on any kind of substance to make myself feel better. He gave me other ways to help myself and they worked. I started feeling better, but even after a few weeks, I still felt a little like I was being left in the dark when it came to my friends. Things with friends did get a little better but I still felt that I needed to surround myself with people.

I felt that I needed more positive people in my life.

Anyway, I started feeling better and ended up meeting someone awesome. Well, I thought he was awesome, but things didn't work out. I let myself get too close though, so when things didn't work out, it more than it should have. I let my guard down before I really should have.

Since then, I decided that I'm not going to let that happen again. I'm not going to let just anyone into my head again. I'm too afraid to let my guard down now, but it's still hard for me to keep myself from getting close. I'm still trying really hard to keep my wall up and people out. Not everyone, of course, but some.

I'm just trying to change myself for the better. I'm not going to be the kind of person that doesn't open up to anyone, but I don't want to be the kind of person that opens up to just anyone. I suppose that writing this blog made me a little vulnerable to whoever reads this, but I know it will only be a few that do. Besides, I believe that I'm pretty close to getting past this depression. Things have definitely gotten better over the past two or three months.

I know that things are getting better, especially if I don't give myself so easily.

Things are better.